Spy Kids: Unbearable to Bearable

Why am I doing this? I'm not sure if I like any of these movies. They're all geared for kids. Any who, let's move on. You know those films you watch as a kid and you outright love it, but then you watch it again as an older kid and ask yourself "What did I just watch?" Spy Kids was that for me. I can respect the opinion of those that still enjoy it, but for me I just say they're unbearable. Now as for why I'm doing this. Simple. I was given the idea to do so by someone I know, and I happily, yet grudgingly agreed. So here we are. Listen, there's no need to worry about SPOILERS, because I can't recommend any of the four films to you so there will be no SPOILER warning so let's get to it. Also, instead of Worst to Best, it's Unbearable to Bearable, because there is no "Best" of the franchise. I can't call the number one spot the best.

4. Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams

They always say that the sequel to a successful first film should and will always be better than its predecessor. Such a saying couldn't be said for the sequel to the first Spy Kids. Widening the scope from the somewhat small scale of the first film, Island of Lost Dreams explored many different aspects of its fictional world. With the OSS now having a fully functional Spy Kids division, Carmen and Juni are now being downgraded and undervalued by the agency, due to a new leadership of the agency led by Donnagon Giggles, and newer recruits that coincidentally are Donnagon's children, Gary and Gerti. As a result, Carmen and Juni go rouge, stealing the huge assignment that was originally intended for Gary and Gerti, and going off alone. They wind up on a mysterious island, full of undead skeletons, vehicle magnets, and weird, crazy animal hybrids created by a wacky scientist. They even upped the coolness, by adding KHAN, or Ricardo Montalban to play the duo's grandfather. Why did this suck, again? The effects are terrible, the characters are ridiculously cheesy, and the terrible one-liners that are in it. This got a 74% score on Rotten Tomatoes and grossed 119.7 million total. The movie is awful and now makes me question why I'm making this post.

3. Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

You know how I said that the previous film had terrible effects, this film has more terrible effects. Just awful effects that would accompany the Star Wars Prequels well. Like them, nothing expect the actors, ARE REAL! In the beginning of the film, they show a street of Washington D.C, that is so fake that there are no other extras walking down the street. I know that they only had a budget of only a dozen shopping mall coupons and such, but this is ridiculous. It's 38 million, but I have the humor of a seven year-old child. This movie has Sylvester Stallone and it's very apparent that most of the budget went to him to get him onboard with signing onto this disaster of a film. The kid actors brought into this film suck so bad that it sounds like nails on a chalkboard when they talk about what's going on in the film. I saw this film once with the 3-D stuff, which was cool at the time, but I look back and it's very bad. This movie turned out to be the most successful of the franchise earning a total of 197 million, which is surprising considering the quality of film that presented. How does this beat my previous entry? It's all a matter of preference, it's tasters choice.

2. Spy Kids: All the Time in the World

Eight years. Eight years it took to make another installment of the franchise. I don't know who wanted another Spy Kids film, but it certainly wasn't me. Replacing most of the old cast with an entirely new cast was a somewhat welcome change, but I wish they kept some of the old members. The new kids they brought into the franchise were great to some extent, but I prefer the old cast to the new cast. New members include Joe McHale, Jessica Alba, and Ricky Gervais, who is the comedic relief for the film. They managed to bring back Carmen and Juni, now older, to play roles in the film, which was great. There was some heavy nostalgia from the very first film is and that's not very good for them. Despite being in the the number two spot, I still don't like it. I think that still these films are very much, in my own opinion, very cringeworthy, full of one-liners, cheesy effects, literal fart jokes and puke jokes, and just crummy humor at points. The villain's motivations are very vague, though he makes you care a bit. The film itself had some meaningful things to say about time and what and how you use the seconds you have left in your life along with the ones you love, though the great message didn't stop the bad Rotten Tomatoes with a 22% score and the worldwide gross of 85 million. Now to move onto the number "one" spot.

1. Spy Kids (2001)

Adults had James Bond, Mission Impossible, and in one year they would have Jason Bourne, kids had Spy Kids as their go to spy movies. The premise of children spies was something new at the time, fifteen years ago. The cast brought in some star power with Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alan Cumming, Danny Trejo, and more. The plot was engaging for a bit, but I still don't like any of these films. This only makes the one spot, because if I had to select a film from the franchise, then this would be my preferred selection. The CGI was ugly and some lines were as cheesy as a Saturday Morning Kids show, which is exactly what this. The actors had energy to say the least, although I wonder why some of the adult actors would agree to appear in such a film. When watching the film, I wonder how it was a hit. It has a 93% score on Rotten Tomatoes. 93%?! While not the most financially successful of the films, it still made 147.9 million. I guess critics and audiences alike, really enjoyed this film. Now for those of you who haven't seen it and are wondering if you should see it, here's my answer. If you really want to see it, see it. Is it worth your time? No. No I don't think it's worth your time. Keep the expectations low, really low. You'll be entertained for the hour and thirty minutes, but based off my preferred opinion, I cannot recommend you watch any of these films. But again if you wanna see it, see it. Prepare to watch the cheesiest movie you'll see though. But do yourself a favor and stop there. Don't watch the sequels. They just tear down anything that was good in the first place with the franchise. Let me wrap this thing up now.

Well that was a frustrating ranking, but I got through it. It wasn't the worst thing in the world. But that's high praise considering the quality of the overall franchise. I hope you enjoyed this ranking, although the subject was shall we say, uninteresting. I finished the request that was given to me though so to that person I hope you're happy. I'll try to get another post out today, I got a lot of things coming that I've been sitting on for months now. Stay tuned for that other post coming today. If you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, than I'll be sure to announce when that other post is finished. If it doesn't get finished today, it will be done by tomorrow. Thanks for reading, I'm the Film Fanatic, bye-bye.